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Carnival Cruise Ship Triumph/Transcript
The following is the transcript for the sketch Triumph Cruise. Transcript [ open on exterior, Carnival Cruise Ship Triumph -- Tuesday ] [ dissolve to interior, Fiesta Ballroom ] Dean: Okay, hello! Hello, everyone! Okay? And, uh -- folks, welcome back to the Fiesta Ballroom, here on the Carnival Cruise Triumph. Okay? I'm your Cruise Director -- Dean. And this is my Assistant Cruise Director -- Diana. Diana: And, can I say, for people who have not showered in four days -- you guys look great! Dean: Yeah! Yeah, you do, yeah! And, hey, guys -- Just because we're stuck in the middle of the ocean, you know, with no working toilets... it doesn't mean we can't have some FUN! Alright? Diana: Mmm-hmm! Dean: Ah, but first -- a tiny update. Diana: Uh, yeah. Now, as we informed you yesterday, a tugboat is pulling us back to shore -- which is GREAT news! Dean: Yeah, it sure is. But, a slight snag. The tow line broke. Diana: Waaa-waaaaah! Dean: Yeah... yeah... okay. But dry those eyes and get ready to laugh! Because, up next -- you knoe him from the Punchliner Comedy Brunch -- please welcome ship comedian Reggie Davis! Reggie, come on out! [ Reggie Davis steps forward ] Reggie Davis: Yes, yes! What up! [ he laughs ] You know -- If Chris Rock were here, I'd bet he'd say: [ as Chris Rock ] "Don't anybody wanna go on a cruuuuise? You're all gonna DIE on this boat!" What else, what else, what else, what else...? [ he puts his hand to his face ] I'm sorry. Okay? I can't tell no more jokes. There's DOOKY on the WALL, man! How does DOOKY get on the WALLS?!! How does it happen?!! [ Diana pishes Reggie aside ] Dean: Okay! Alright! Okay! Uh, that's Reggie Davis, everyone! He's a funny guy, right? Diana: Yeah! And if anyone here is gonna be in Seattle next weekend, Reggie will be headlining at Funny Bone. Dean: Hey, speaking of headlines -- One of the helicopters flying above us dropped doqwn a couple of papers, so we thought we'd catch you up on what you missed this week, alright? Voice: There is no God! Dean: Hey! Hey, hey! There IS a God! There IS a God! He has NOT abandoned us, okay? Alright, let's see what's in the news. [ he glances at a newspaper ] Uh -- the Pope resigned. Oh, Lord! Diana: Oh, wait -- okay. [ she glances at a newspaper ] Hey, here's soemthing fun: Norrth Korea successfully launched a... mmm-mmm! Nope! Dean: [ he glances at a newspaper ] Oh! Oh, oh, oh, here we go! I got one! Oh, hey -- You guys remember Oscar Pistorius? Huh? Remember that? The Olympic spritnter who ran on blades? Diana: What an AMAZING story! So uplifting! Dean: Absolutely! Well, it says here that... [ he glances at the newspaper and shakes his head ] Nope! No, no... Diana: [ she glances at a newspaper ] Hey! TThis is interesting! Okay, you guys might think you have it bad... but do you have it worse than [ reading ] "4,000 Stranded On Night Mare Cruise"... That is about US! Dean: That's us, yeah. Okay, that's enough! Enough of the headlines! [ he tosses the newspaper aside ] Who likes MAGIC, huh? Okay, because mentalist Victor LaStrange is here to amaze you! Diana: Victorrrrrr!! [ victor LaStrange steps out ] Victor LaStrange: Can I have a volunteer, please? [ he points ] You, Sir! [ Mike runs up ] What's your name, Sir? Mike: Mike. Victor LaStrange: How you doing, Mike? Mike: Real bad. Victor LaStrange: Alright. Look into my eyes. [ Mike stares into his eyes ] You are a CHICKEN! [ he snaps his fingers, as Mike begins to cluck ] Now you're MIKE! [ he snaps his fingers ] Mike: Oh... [ he groans ] Oh, no! I'm back on this godforsaken boat! Make me into the chicken again! [ desperately ] I WANT TO BE THE CHICKEN!! [ Diana rishes Victor and Mike away, as Dean resumes his duties ] Dean: Guys, guys, guys, guys! Okay, thank you! Uh -- whoo! Uh, that was kind of weird! Voice: Turn us all into chickens!! Diana: Okay, no! Guys... guys... It is not better to be a chicken than a person! Dean: No! I mean, yeah, it's bad here, but it's not that bad! Okay? Diana: Mmm-hmm! Dean: Now, before we move on, we want to designate a few areas of the boat as toilets, okay? Alright? Uh, what have we got here? [ he glances at the log ] The Superstar Karaoke Bar... is now officially a toilet, okay? Diana: Yeah. The, uh, the Blue Iguana Cantina is now a toilet. Dean: Okay, just in time. Okay, good. And the Bonsai Sushi restaurant is... well, that;s still a sushi restaurant, so you'll want to get in there soon before it becomes a toilet! Diana: Hey, Dean! Dean: Uh-huh? Diana: You know what I think? Dean: Uh-oh! Diana: I think it's about time Dan the Animal Man makes a visit! Dean: That's a GREAT call, Diana! What a REAL passenger favorite this guy is! He's been delighting you all week -- Please welcome Dan the Animal Man and his monkey Coco! [ Dan steps out carrying a monkey skelaton ] Dan the Animal Man: WHO ATE COCO?!! WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THIS?!! Dean: Okay... alright... Gvie it up for Dan the Animal Man! Dan the Animal Man: WE STILL HAVE FOOD!!! [ Diana walks Dan aside ] Dean: Okay! There we go! Alright, somebody ate Coco, huh? No, guys! No, guys! Diana: Hey, guys? We all have to start behaving better. Dean: That's very true, okay? And on that note, I know some of you thought it would be funny -- it was funny -- to lie on the top deck upstairs and spell out the words KILL US" for the news helicopter? That's not funny. Diana: No, not funny at all. Dean: Mmm-hmm. Don't like it. We have to keep our heads up, and we can get through this thing together. Okay? [ Diana is handed a note ] Diana: Dean? Dean: Yeah? Diana: I just got some good news. Dean: It's about time! Diana: I've been told we have a crew member who does a mean Michael Jackson! Dean: Uh-oh, that sounds like fun! Bring him up here! [ The Captain appears, wearing one silver glove, and performs some not-so-funky dance moves ] Dean: Okay.,, wow. So, I don't need to tell you guys that was the Captain, obviously, who is clearly going insane. Diana: Okay, guys -- that about wraps it up. Remember, only ten hours until we reach.... [ raising the roof ] Mo-bile, Al-a-ba-maaaaaa! Dean: [ as a note is handed to him ] Okay, uh -- well, now here's some good news. alright? Together: "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!!" Category:Transcripts